


Like a Flower

by JJ1564



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Actor Jensen, M/M, Schmoop, Song Lyrics, songwriter jared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 23:25:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13798542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JJ1564/pseuds/JJ1564
Summary: Jared has loved Jensen for so long and misses him so much. He was the only one who could really turn Jared on, the only one who could be the rain to his desert. Jensen has a new life, with his wife and son, so Jared just can’t go and find him...





	Like a Flower

**Author's Note:**

  * For [madebyme_x](https://archiveofourown.org/users/madebyme_x/gifts).



> Written for j2_jukebox for madebyme_x, who chose Turn Me On by Norah Jones, and the prompt: "Singer/songwriter!Jared finds an old and forgotten song he wrote about the only love of his life, Jensen."
> 
> Unbeta’d as I ran out of time, sorry! I hope it’s not a pile of pants and you like it!

"Like a flower waiting to bloom  
Like a lightbulb in a dark room  
I'm just sitting here waiting for you  
To come on home and turn me on

Like the desert waiting for the rain  
Like a school kid waiting for the spring  
I’m just sitting here waiting for you  
To come on home and turn me on

My poor heart it's been so dark  
Since you've been gone  
After all you're the one who turns me off  
You're the only one who can turn me back on

My hi-fi is waiting for a new tune  
My glass is waiting for some fresh ice cubes  
I'm just sitting here waiting for you  
To come on home and turn me on  
Turn me on"

"Turn Me On" by Norah Jones

Jared finished singing and put his guitar down, sitting back in his chair to stare out of the window, He hadn’t played this song in years. It had been too painful at first; now, although it was still painful, it made him smile. Okay, it was a wistful smile, more sad than happy, but at least it wasn’t tears. He knew he would never get over Jensen. Perhaps he didn’t want to. Jensen had been the only one who had ever turned him on with just a glance, a touch, a cheeky grin. Losing Jensen had been like losing the sun, and Jared had felt so cold inside since then. He was sick of living in the dark, missing the sunshine that was Jensen Ackles and his megawatt smile. They’d been together for two years, having met at college in Austin. They’d moved out to Los Angeles after college, as Jensen had got a role on a daytime soap opera and got their own apartment.

He’d had two relationships since Jensen, both ending in disaster. Misha had been so different to Jensen – he was an intense writer, prone to dark moods and extravagant displays of love and affection. He had a mop of unruly black hair and bright blue eyes. Sometimes Jared missed Jensen’s carefully combed hair, warm green eyes and beautiful smile so much it hurt. And he knew that looking at Misha shouldn’t make him long for Jensen. He’d finished it before their first anniversary – Misha had been planning a weekend in Paris and Jared knew he just couldn’t keep up the pretense any longer.

Then there was Matt, the lead singer of an indie band who were well-known on the college circuit and just on the verge of success. He was beautiful, with big blue eyes and a huge smile, so full of life and laughter. The opposite to his black-clad, guy-liner wearing morose stage persona. Jared loved it when Matt sang one of his songs, just the two of them, Jared strumming the guitar or playing the piano while Matt sang. His voice was clear and pure, and often made Jared cry. Matt would laugh at him, then pull him into a hug, calling Jared his ‘big, daft bear’.

Matt almost made Jared forget Jensen. Almost. Push came to shove when Matt’s band were chosen to support Fall Out Boy on a US and European tour. Matt wanted Jared to go along, but Jared was afraid that if he left home for several months and Jensen returned...of course he knew Jensen wouldn’t return. But he still had that stupid glimmer of hope inside his chest.

He pictured it so often, Jensen standing there at the door, his green eyes sparkling with unshed tears, a shy smile on his face, his freckles standing out in the sunshine, saying, “I’ve missed you so much, Jared. I’m so sorry.”

Jared had forgiven him ages ago – he’d forgiven him from the moment he begged it. But Jensen couldn’t forgive himself. Jensen and Jared had argued, and the argument was about the same thing, the only thing they ever argued about, which was that Jensen still hadn’t told his parents about Jared; they were Bible-belt Christians and didn’t even know Jensen was gay. So, Jensen went to the party they were both invited to on his own, while Jared sulked at home. Jensen got drunk and ended up in bed with Cindy, his ex-girlfriend. She happened to be the girl his parents had loved, the girl they’d wanted in their family, the girl they wanted to give them grandchildren.

Jensen had been so full of guilt and remorse. He left because he needed to ‘sort his shit out’ and that was it. Jared heard through their mutual friend, Christian, that he’d married Cindy four months later, and five months after that their baby was born. Jensen had written to him after the birth, telling Jared about his little son, Nicholas, and explaining that he hadn’t wanted this, but when he found out Cindy was pregnant he couldn’t walk away. He had to do the right thing.

Of course he did. Jensen was a good guy. One of the best.

Jensen had said in his letter that he still wanted him, and that he missed him so much, that he was sorry he hadn’t been in touch, but it was too difficult to be friends when he wanted more. Jared knew exactly how that felt – it was why he hadn’t kept in touch, too.  
Jared decided to bring the song back into his repertoire and was singing it in a small bar in his neighborhood when he spotted a familiar figure watching him intently from the bar. He faltered briefly, then carried on, managing to keep his voice steady.

He made his way to the bar, his legs a little shaky. “That’s a beautiful song, Jared.” Misha smiled, his blue eyes showing his sadness.

“Thanks, Misha.” Jared smiled back. “I didn’t expect to see you here.” Misha preferred classical music and jazz to the kind of music Jared played, and had only ever frequented this bar and similar venues to support Jared when they were together.

“I’m doing research for a new play.” Misha replied, adding, “That song is about him, isn’t it? Your green-eyed muse. You never wrote a song about me. Or Matt, I’m guessing.”

It was true. He’d never written a song about Misha or Matt. He’d written a few songs for Matt’s band but that wasn’t the same. Jensen owned his heart. His green-eyed muse.

“Yeah,” Jared nodded, hoping Misha didn’t spot the tears in his eyes.

“You need to go find him.” Misha said, simply, placing a comforting hand on Jared’s arm.

“I already know where he is,” Jared sighed. “But you know he’s married, with a kid.”

“Yes, of course. But he may be as lonely and sad as you are. Even when you were with me, you seemed alone. Like you were missing part of yourself.” Misha paused, then quoted, “Like a flower waiting to bloom, like a lightbulb in a dark room.”

“I’m so sorry, Misha.”

“Pish.” Misha shrugged. “You’ve apologized so many times, you really don’t need to any more. I love you, Jared, I always will but we were never meant to be. And I want you to be happy.”

“I can’t...what if he’s really happy with her...or what if he’s not, and I break up his family?”

“If he’s unhappy, then his marriage is a sham. You’d be doing him a favor.”

“I can’t...” Jared wiped his eyes. “It’s been too long.”

Misha placed his hand on Jared’s heart. “Your poor heart, it's been so dark since he’s been gone, and he’s the only one who can turn you on.” He paraphrased Jared’s lyrics perfectly, and Jared couldn’t hold his tears back any longer. Misha grabbed his hand, pulling him away from the crowded bar and outside. The cold night air made Jared’s eyes smart but cleared his head.

“Thanks, Misha. God, I’ve been so stupid. I should’ve told him.”

 

Jared drove from his home in San Diego to the address on Jensen’s last letter. It one of those amazing beach front homes along the coast near LA. Jared parked his car and was about to go to knock on the door when he saw a man on the beach, playing ball with a small boy and a large dog,

He knew It was Jensen. Jensen and his son.

Jared hadn’t really expected him to be home, although he knew from Christian that Jensen was between movies at the moment.  
Jensen looked up when he saw Jared approach; his gorgeous face looked confused for a moment, then he smiled, and it was the sunshine Jared needed, the warmth he’d lacked for so long.

Jared’s legs refused to work, but Jensen was striding towards him, still smiling.

“Jared, what the heck?” Jensen stopped a couple of feet from him, and now Jared could see his smile was a little strained. “It’s good to see you, man.”

“Yeah...um...sorry to just turn up.” Jared shrugged, feeling a bit stupid and a lot nervous. “It was a spur of the minute thing.”

“Daddy, who’s this, is he ‘nother actor?” The little boy called out.

“Nick, come over and meet my friend Jared. We went to college together.”

“Hello,” Nick said, hiding slightly behind Jensen’s legs. He was a cute looking boy, dark-haired like his mom, with big brown eyes. He looked a lot like Jensen, he even moved like him. Jared had wondered if Cindy had tricked Jensen into thinking the baby was his but seeing them together made Jared realize that Nick was Jensen’s, no doubt at all.

“Hi, Nick.” Jared held out his hand for Nick to shake. “Pleased to meet you.”

“Pleased to meet you too, Jay-red.” Nick replied solemnly.

“Nicky, why don’t you throw the ball for Dylan while I talk to Jared?” Jensen suggested.

“Sure, daddy.”

“Jared...” Jensen stared at him. “You look great. You’ve filled out.”

“Thanks, yeah, I’ve got a small home gym, and I run.” Jared replied.

"I’d invite you up to the house, but Cindy has a migraine.” Jensen shrugged. “She’s resting.”

“That’s okay, I didn’t expect...I don’t really know what I expected. I wasn’t even sure you’d be home.” Jared admitted.

“Why didn’t you call?” Jensen asked.

“I wasn’t sure if you still had the same cell number.”

“Yeah, I do.” Jensen looked sad. “I kept hoping you’d call," he whispered.

“I wanted to. So many times.” Jared sighed.

“Me too. And right now, I so want to hug you.” Jensen smiled.

“I think a hug between old friends is allowed.” Jared smiled back.

They hugged, and Jared could feel every inch of Jensen’s body where it pressed against him. Jensen’s arms around his back anchored him, made him feel more real than he had in years.

“I’ve missed you so much, Jare,” Jensen whispered into his ear.

“Me too, Jensen, so very much.” Jared pushed Jensen away to look at him. “I just need to know one thing and then I’ll go. Are you happy?”

“Yes...and no.” Jensen shrugged, looking guilty. “I have everything - a beautiful wife, a wonderful kid, a successful career - but I still have a hole inside me.”

“I’m sorry,” Jared shook his head. “I shouldn’t have come and made you unhappy.”

“No, I’m pleased you came. Can we...can we meet up later?” Jensen asked.

“I’d like that. We have a lot to catch up on.” Jared looked across at Nick playing with the dog. “He’s a beautiful kid.”

“Yeah, he really is.” Jensen beamed.

“Where d’you wanna meet?” Jared blurted out, feeling like this was a dream and if he didn’t pin Jensen down with a place and time, he’d never see him again.

“There’s a Greek restaurant I know, it’s small and discreet.” Jensen pulled out his cell. “I’ll text you the address.”

“What...what time?” Jared asked, his legs starting to give out on him.

“You okay?” Jensen asked, concerned.

“Yeah...I’m just so fucking happy to see you.”

“Daddy, Jay-red said a bad word.” Nick’s voice made them both jump, they hadn’t realized he was near them.

“Yes, he did,” Jensen looked gravely at Jared, but with a twinkle in his eye. “You know sometimes grown-ups do, but it’s not something children should.”

“I’m sorry, Nick.” Jared bit his bottom lip to stop his smile.

“S’okay. Daddy, I’m hungry. I need a cookie.” Nick pleaded.

“You don’t need one, kiddo, you just want one.” Jensen glanced at his watch. “Okay, you can have one as it’s a little while until dinner.”

“Yippee!” Nick did a little happy dance.

“He loves cookies.” Jensen smiled.

“If they’re your homemdade ones, I’m not surprised.”

“No, not mine. We have a housekeeper, and she’s a great cook.”

“Oh, right.” Jared suddenly felt awkward, like he didn’t belong here with this perfect family, with their perfect house and perfect lives. He didn’t know this Jensen.

“Hey,” Jensen caught his hand, sensing his disquiet. “I’ll see you later, seven alright?”

“Yeah,” Jared nodded, unable to speak past the lump in his throat.

 

Jared was so nervous, he felt like he was going to throw up and knew he wouldn’t be able to eat a thing. He parked up down the street from the restaurant, arriving a few minutes before seven. He saw Jensen sitting at the edge of a booth as soon as he walked in, and Jensen stood up to wave at him, smiling all the while. Jared walked over, his legs like jelly again. He wondered if he should hug Jensen, or shake his hand, but Jensen solved that dilemma by just saying hello as he sat back down and slid along the bench seat.

Jared sat opposite, and they just smiled at each other for a few minutes.

“You found it okay, then?” Jensen asked.

“Yean, used good ol' sat nav.” Jared replied.

“You managed to park okay?".

"Yeah, found a spot down the street."

"I got a cab, I hate trying to park." Jensen shrugged. “I don’t know why we’re talking about parking.”

“Safe subject?” Jared smiled.

“I guess so,” Jensen grinned.

“I’m so pleased we could do this, Jensen.”

“I’m still kinda amazed you turned up at my house, after almost six years.” Jensen laughed.

“I’m kinda amazed myself.” Jared shook his head. “I never would’ve if Misha hadn’t told me too.”

“I think I might have to thank him.” Jensen gazed at Jared.

“I think we both will.” Jared agreed.

Over their meal of Greek salad and chicken souvlaki with Tzatziki sauce, they talked about their lives, their families, their work. Then after their baklava and coffee, Jensen suddenly looked serious and leaned closer towards Jared.

“There’s something you should know. Me and Cindy, we’re getting divorced.”

“Jeez, I had no idea.” Jared tried not to smile. This was hopefully good news for him but possibly bad news for Jensen.

“No one knows; we’ve only talked about it so far.” Jensen explained. “Cindy’s seeing this guy, he’s an actor, too. Real nice guy. But she didn’t want us to be another broken family, another Hollywood statistic, spread all over the tabloids. That’s why she keeps having stress headaches."

“It happens all the time.” Jared reached out and stroked Jensen’s hand. He was pleased that Jensen didn’t move his hand away but gave a little sigh.

“It’s kinda amazing we lasted this long. I tried so hard at first, but she soon realized I wasn’t in love with her. She was okay about it all; we haven’t even shared a bed since Nicky was about a year old.”

“Really?” Jared raised an eyebrow.

“I’ve not been a monk.” Jensen blushed. “I’m not into sleeping around, but I had a little fling with...um...well Jeffrey Dean Morgan.”

“Wow! I’m so jealous! He’s gorgeous, I loved him in The Good Wife.”

“Want me to introduce you?” Jensen said, a little bitterly and Jared wanted to do a little dance, because Jensen was jealous.

“What? No, of course not there’s only one gorgeous actor I’m in...” Jared almost said I’m in love with, but thought that might be too much too soon, so changed it to “I’m interested in. He has big green eyes, freckles and cute bow legs.”

Jensen blushed even more. “Why, thanks.”

“I didn’t know JDM was gay.” Jared said to change the subject slightly.

“He’s bi, actually. He’s getting married soon to Rachel Adams.” Jensen shrugged, adding, “And he’s not like me, having to marry because he was a coward that got drunk and ruined everything.”

“Jensen, you need to stop blaming yourself.” Jared stroked Jensen’s hand again. “I’ve never stopped loving you. I never will.”

“But I broke your heart, I cheated on you, I ruined it all.”

“Yes, you broke my heart, but you didn’t ruin anything, not completely. I’d love it if you’d give us another chance.”

“I don’t know why you’d forgive me.” Jensen’s huge green eyes were downcast. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Nah, you probably don’t.” Jared joked, but Jensen still looked forlorn. “Jensen, I forgave you five years ago, you need to forgive yourself. I know it was hard for you, that your parents put so much pressure on you to conform.”

“But...” Jensen began.

“If we hadn’t had that stupid row, you’d never have gone to the party alone, or ended up in bed with Cindy.” Jared sat back, folding his arms, needing to make Jensen understand. “I should’ve found you, told you how I felt, but at first I thought you needed space, then I hoped you’d contact me, and then the time just went past. I was with Misha, and then Matt, but they never made me as happy as being with you did. I always felt alone, I always felt cold inside. I missed my sunshine.”

Jensen blinked away tears. “I missed you, too, Jared, so much.”

 

It was like a dream, going to a hotel room with Jensen. Jensen seemed as nervous as Jared was, and sat heavily on the edge of the bed, like his legs had given way. Jared dropped to his knees in front of Jensen, and they kissed gently at first, then more passionately, wanting to savor the moment but needing to make up for lost time. Jensen’s lips felt right against his, they fitted perfectly, and when he cupped the back of Jensen’s head and their kiss deepened, his own lyrics came back to him “like a flower waiting to bloom”. This was it, this was what he’d been missing for all these years.

And when they undressed each other, taking time to look and touch and taste, he knew he was the desert and Jensen was the rain he needed. Having Jensen beneath him, smiling up at him, was so intense, so perfect that he almost came just from seeing that beautiful sunshine smile.

When Jensen held his legs apart so that Jared could enter him, still smiling up at him, it was the best moment of Jared’s life. He was crying as he came, tears of joy and relief, plus some bitter tears for all those wasted years. Jensen was crying too, and when Jared pulled out, he rolled them over so that they could hold each other. They cried and hugged for a while, until Jared whispered into Jensen’s ear...

“My poor heart it's been so dark  
Since you've been gone  
After all you're the one who turns me off  
You're the only one who can turn me back on”

Jensen gazed at Jared. “That's beautiful, is that a new song?”

“No, it’s an old one. About you.”

“About me?”

“Yeah, I wrote it after you...after you left.”

“It’s beautiful, Jared. I’d love to hear you sing it.”

“And I’d love to sing it for you.”

Jensen sat up to look Jared right in the eye as he vowed, “I promise not to leave your poor heart in the dark again, my Jared.”

Jared smiled, pulling Jensen back into a hug. He knew Jensen meant every word, and Jared knew he was that flower, blooming again.


End file.
